Love Is an Action Word (It’s Harder Than You Think)
By Brooke Bertrand, MA, RP
February 15, 2026
The real measure of intimacy isn’t a holiday, it’s what happens every day.
You’re reading this the day after a major love-centric holiday. And that’s on purpose. Some of you may have had a lovely holiday. Others may have felt nothing but pressure. Maybe you didn’t get to celebrate because you were in a cold hockey arena at another tournament with your teenagers (oh wait…THAT’S ME!) or you’re parenting toddlers and who really wants to go through all the work to find a babysitter. And still some of you may be feeling let down by the hype. Let’s get real about love for a hot minute.
Valentine’s Day markets a feeling. A rush. A spark. A perfectly timed surprise. It tells us love is candlelight and chemistry. It sells us roses, chocolates, jewels. Its reservations made weeks in advance. It’s the cinematic kiss.
These romantic gestures and rituals are just one aspect of a loving bond. There’s nothing wrong with romance, but the kind of love that actually sustains a relationship rarely looks like that.
Real love, enduring, secure love is an action word. Author bell hooks write, “Love is an action, never simply a feeling.” That simple truth is at the heart of intimate connection: love requires showing up, consistently, even when it’s uncomfortable.
And it’s often not sexy. It’s certainly not easy.
It’s staying in the conversation when your instinct is to shut down.
It’s reaching for your partner’s hand when you’re still a little hurt.
It’s saying, “Help me understand,” instead of “You always…”
It’s saying “Even if I don’t get it, I’ve got you…”
In the language of attachment science, what we long for most isn’t grand gestures. It’s emotional availability, responsiveness, and engagement. These three ingredients are the secret sauce of attunement.
Are you there for me?
Do I matter to you?
Will you turn toward me when I reach for you?
These questions hum quietly beneath even the most confident adults. Valentine’s Day can amplify them. We might not say it out loud, but somewhere inside we’re asking: Will you choose me? Will you show me that I’m important?
Flowers answer that question for a moment. Intentional care and attunement answer it over a lifetime.
Secure love is built in small, repetitive, unglamorous moments. It’s built when your partner sighs at the end of the day and you pause your scrolling to ask, “Long day?” It’s built when you notice their tension and soften your tone. It’s built when you circle back after an argument and say, “I think I missed you there.”
None of that will trend on social media. But that’s the work.
We are wired for connection. Our nervous systems are constantly scanning for cues: Am I safe? Am I alone? Am I too much? Not enough? When your partner responds with steadiness, contact, warmth, and repair, your body registers safety. Over time, that safety becomes trust.
Love as an action means showing up when it would be easier to withdraw. It means staying emotionally present when conflict flares. It means tolerating your own vulnerability long enough to say, “That actually hurt,” instead of disguising pain as criticism. It means going first to bring up an issue or make repair. There’s a quiet courage required to love this way. It asks you to put down armor. To risk being seen in your need. To admit that you care deeply about how your partner responds to you.
We tend to overestimate the power of intensity and underestimate the power of consistency. That’s why holidays are so intoxicating, but intensity is unpredictable. Consistency is regulating. A secure bond isn’t built on adrenaline or flashy moments; it’s built on reliability.
The couples who feel solid are imperfect but anchored. They aren’t the couples who never argue. They’re the ones who repair. They’ve learned that love isn’t proven in the absence of conflict, but in the willingness to come back together afterward.
Do you turn toward or away?
Do you escalate or get curious?
Do you protect the bond, even when your pride is on the line?
As bell hooks tells us “Love is a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust. Without these, love is merely sentimentality.”
When we reduce love to performance, we miss its power. The deepest form of romance is emotional safety. It’s knowing that when you are overwhelmed, your partner won’t weaponize it. When you are tender, they won’t mock it. When you protest, they’ll look beneath the anger for the longing.
That kind of love doesn’t shout. It steadies. Over time, that steadiness becomes passion of a different kind. The kind of love rooted in trust, in being chosen again and again.
Valentine’s Day will come and go. The chocolate will be eaten. The flowers will wilt. The photos will be posted and forgotten.
What remains is how you treat each other on an ordinary Sunday morning readying your teenager for her next big tournament game or random Wednesday evening after work chasing toddlers, wrangling dinner together and feeling stretched by life and its stressors.
Ask the deeper question:
How am I loving today? How am I choosing love, not in theory, but in action?
Because long after the holiday passes, what your partner will remember is the everlasting gift of how you show up.
TLDR:
Schedule date nights. They are the uniquely beautiful moments that help cushion relationships and are necessary to create space for building and maintaining intimacy.
Create rituals that are romantic and show care, affection, and attention. We all want to feel desired and to feel pursued by our partners.
Enduring love and intimacy is built in daily actions and it is hard work. Be courageous with your love and your connection will deepen.
Sources: All About Love by bell hooks
Brooke Bertrand, MA, RP, owner of Bright Raven Psychotherapy and brings over 20 years of experience helping clients navigate relationships, anxiety, burnout, addictions, and relational trauma. Trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, she guides partners toward real connection—and even reaches those who never thought therapy was for them.
Off the clock, she’s chasing two teenagers around hockey rinks. She believes life is lived best with humor, the love of cats, great books, good tea, and a great playlist.
Brooke’s Inside Voice will bring common therapy topics into the public spotlight, exploring the issues that quietly shape our relationships. From mental health and the hustle of modern life to the joys and challenges of being human and seeking connection to ourselves and others, Brooke shares insights that help readers understand themselves, their loved ones, and the ties that bind us.
